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To most people, bumping into someone we know when out and about, does not cause us anxiety or stress. To someone with autism, it can cause extreme anxiety. Do I just say ‘Hi’ and walk on? Are they expecting me to stop and talk – about what? What are they expecting from me? If they ask how I am, should I tell the truth – that I’ve been unwell – or should I just say ‘fine’? Do I ask how they are? What is an ok question and what is too personal? Am I looking friendly? Are they staring at me or just looking? Are they laughing at me or just smiling? If they ask about my train collection or my holiday, how much do I tell them? I’m distracted by the other person’s appearance – noticing they’re going bald, or have a red nose, or a too-vivid scarf, or a fur hat or unpleasant after shave or perfume. How can I get away?
As a result, many autistic individuals may decide it’s safer to walk along the pavement with head down, avoiding meeting the glance of anyone they might know. Maybe wearing sunglasses and a hood to decrease the chances of being recognised. It is not because they are unfriendly – it is because the ‘rules’ of engagement with others are so variable and depend so much on an instinctive understanding, that they cannot be acquired by learning from some handbook to an extent that appears and feels natural and comfortable. Non-autistic language abounds with nuance, subtleties, underlying meanings and more, (not to mention the non-verbal communication of facial expression, posture, tone of voice and so on) all of which are instinctively understood and responded to by the listener without having to be explained. However well the autistic person has observed that there is something going on beyond the words that are spoken, and however well they themselves are able to joke or use sarcasm, for example, the likelihood is that they will still be stressed and anxious that they have missed something and are not responding appropriately. There are many, many autistic people who to an acquaintance or a work colleague have perfectly good communication skills (and therefore they cannot be autistic, is the assumption). However good these communication skills are, they can fall short in the context of a close relationship where picking up on the subtleties of communication can be critical. More on this is the next blog.