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‘Neurotypicals’ (NTs), be observant next time you are part of a group conversation and note how inexact we often are with our words and the repetitiousness of our speech, saying the same thing more than once and often using slightly different words each time. For the person with autism it means they have already spent some time processing what you have said, only to have to start all over again when you say it again a little differently. Think of clicking a computer mouse – every time you click, the computer has to start the processing all over again. It’s similar for those with autism when you fail to allow them time to process but interrupt by saying it all over again or not allowing them time before saying something else. This does not mean one has to be patronising in one’s speech, just clear and unambiguous and give the autistic person time to process and formulate their response.
Longwinded sentences can lose the autistic listener who might remember the first bit or the last bit or just get lost along the way. We often make the mistake of asking the autistic child to do a series of tasks – go upstairs, get your school bag and pick up your shoes on your way down. The child is likely only to remember the first request and then gets into trouble for not doing as asked. We also make requests such as ‘Go and tidy your room’, which is far too vague. We know what we mean but how is the child with autism supposed to know that this means “pick up your dirty clothes from the floor and put them in the washing basket, then put any books back on the book shelf, then collect all the coloured pencils and put them back in your pencil case, then make a neat pile of your notebooks and put them on your desk” and so on. We need to detail what is required, one task at a time. Many adults also benefit from this kind of detail and clarity (and not all of them autistic!).
Let’s look at a pretty typical scenario from the perspective of a child with AS – the child may have heard the following: ‘OK time to go to the shops, let’s get your coat on, now where did I leave the shopping list….do we need more cereal/ I’ll just check. Where are your shoes?! Put the iPad down, we’re going out. Wait a sec, I need the umbrella. Where did I put the car keys. I said get your coat!’ Remember what we said above, about clear, direct communication! By this time the child is likely to have hands over ears, possibly vocalising to keep the noise out. He won’t have heard anything useful or informative. A better alternative might be: ‘In five minutes, we’re going to go in the car to the supermarket. We’ll do the shopping and then get back in the car and come home’. None of any of the rest of the previous sentences were needed. This is all the information that the child needs to make sense of what’s going on. Obviously I should point out that no child will be exactly the same as another in their ability to make sense of the typical NT style of speaking, but this example gives the general idea.
It is not just children who get lost in our verbosity. I have often heard men with autism complain that they lose track of what their partners are saying because there’s just too much language to process in one sitting. Then of course, their wives or partners get irritated because their partner ‘has not been listening’. They do not understand that their partner has been overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of language they use and that their language may also be repetitive (to drive the point home), vague or convoluted. Once again, the solution is not to become patronising as though talking to a small child, but simply to understand the difficulty and change speech style accordingly, making it clear, unambiguous and concise. NTs are supposed to be the flexible ones, remember and this really is not asking all that much. If it results in an increased understanding of the other and an improved relationship, how worth it is that?!